So far... Do I have any regrets?

Regrets?

There is one thing… when I heard Professor Burhanuddin had a stroke and in coma, I was so disappointed in myself… why can’t I even say “Thank You” to him for giving me A- in Microprocessor?

We visited him in the hospital and we wrote a “Get well soon!” note and pasted it on the counter table so that he can see it when he woke up. But he didn’t. I remembered that we planned to do “solat hajat” the next morning and I was busy preparing the foods for the jemaah but we didn’t. We heard the news about his death before we perform the prayer. And I was wearing a t-shirt, not prepared for that kind of news. The lecturers and all the other students went to his house to give their last respects. There were a lot of people. Lots of them are crying too. And until now, I have this kind of regret that I didn’t thank him much when he is still alive.

Now my life.

The next big question is, what’s next?

I found another path. Another lecturer. Another field. Another lab. Another equipments.

Another people.

Will I fit in?

Who knows? Only time will tell.

Lately, I realized I am getting too self-centred. And I can’t understand people around me no more. Friends: he or she. Family: mom, dad and sis. I find that I’m struggling to understand people. I think the problem lies in me. I’m struggling to understand what people want from me and I can’t catch up… And suddenly I feel burdened by all the wants, the hopes, the expectations. I find myself being sooooo effing ignorance. I have no intention to argue. I have no intention to talk to you. I have no intention to be around you. I don’t mind waiting for you coz while waiting, I keep no anger. I don’t feel a thing. You want that thing? Yeah take it. I don’t want to argue with you. Even though you know I need that. Yeah, take it. As long as we don’t argue.

And by the way, you can talk about me with them as much as you want. I don’t mind. Really. I mean it. It is impossible to shut people’s mouth and I don’t see the benefit of it. So, I don’t really mind. And please tell me what exactly you want from me? Coz I can’t catch up. I’m a bit slow in this and please please please tell me. I’ll do whatever I can.

I still have the dreams to travel across continents. Will I be able to achieve my dreams?

Fate.

Works in mysterious ways.

Maybe before this you see me this way and maybe now I’m not.

Maybe before this I see you this way and maybe now you’re not.

We all are changing.

The climate’s changing.

The earth’s changing.

As long as the sun is shining, why don’t we just live life?

Now my age is 23. I would like to look at this journal again when I am 50. If I can make it.